Religious Right?

Friend : Hey, you were raised religious, right?

Me: Well, raised is probably too generous a term. I mean, jury’s still out on that one.

Friend: Do you ever just give a simple yes or no answer?

Me: Nope. All my answers come with non-optional accessories. Pink ones. With fluffy edges and sparkles and things. It’s part of my charm, remember?

Friend: Could we maybe get back to the question? I mean, compared to say, me, you were raised religious, right?

Me: Oh, compared to the person raised by one part Jew-in-denial and one part Church-of-England my queen can totally mud wrestle your pope into submission?

Friend: Look, forgive me for dragging this back to the point and all…

Me: Right, sorry. Call me ‘your holiness’ and what can I do for you?

Friend: What’s your favorite bible story?

Me: Oh! Oh! Totally the one where Judith nails Holofernes’s head to the tent floor!

Friend: … … …

Me: Hellew… echo… echo…

Friend: Okay, 1. you answered way too quickly. 2. Two too many exclamation marks for comfort. 3. I can’t believe you knew the names, and spelled them right.

Me: So I stunned you for a moment there with my brilliance?

Friend: No, I had to Google.

Me: What, you couldn’t just take my word on this?

Friend: ?

Me: K. Nuff said. So, just wondering, why did you need this?

Friend: I have to, in my own words, re-tell a bible story appropriate for ages 6-8. And silly me I wanted to go beyond Noah. Just a little.

Me: Oh. So, maybe not quite the right feel.

Friend: Not if I want to actually not be taken in for evaluation and all that, no.

Me: I got you, no problem because me, I’m flexible here and I’m still your source of all religious wisdom. Because my second favorite story, it’s the one where Elisha gets God to bring in the bears to eat the kids who laugh at his (Elisha’s natch) bald head.

Friend: … …

Me: Dunnit again. Hellew…. Hellooooooo

Friend: No, I’m here.

Me: You were Googling again, weren’t you. You have to trust me on this stuff, you can’t make this sort of thing up!

Friend: No, no I was just mentally totting up how many miles there are between your house and mine, that’s all.

Me: Oh. okay then. Hey, did I tell you that I was taking road signs personally today? Like to the answering them back sort of way? So I was driving down the road all by myself and saying ‘I am SO NOT a dip!’

Friend: I suppose I could move…