Pardon Me, But Your Frenulum Is in My Ankyloglossia

Child 3 is tongue-tied. Hang on a moment whilst I Google for the much more impressive medical term which I'm sure exists... Ah! There it is! Child 3 suffers from Ankyloglossia - sounds fatal doesn't it? Actually, suffers is a slight exaggeration. Child 3 did not exhibit any difficulties feeding (nor does it yet although we're hopeful), nor does its "unusual lingual frenulum" stop it from talking, singing, humming, making irritating noises with its cheeks etc.

Its doctors have looked at it, enjoyed the view, and then announced callously that "it'll probably resolve itself when It's playing soccer sometime or something." As a loving, caring parent I thought hard, realized this meant no further fuss and/or bother on my part and decided doctor must know best!

However some spoil-sport of a dentist thought otherwise so now Child 3 must get the darn thing fixed. Personally I feel the Child bribed the dentist because it had visions of improved machine gun noises and an ability to roll its "r's" dancing before its eyes. I offered to do the job myself with a pair of hedge-trimmers but Child 3, although recently shot for tetanus, politely turned me down. I think the glorious possibilities of local anesthetic combined with a small potential for spurting blood has really captured the imagination.

So while getting the Children shot the other day we took the opportunity and asked for an appointment to do the tongue thing please. Foolishly I thought that when the nurse complied I would arrive at the appointment, hand over my larger-than-last-year co-pay (thanks so very much kindly work provided health insurance!) and this very minor procedure would be carried out then and there. Oh no, naturally not. Our kindly doctor looked earnestly into Child 3's mouth (doing the most amusing series of imitative facial grimaces all the while) and soberly told me that he could not tread where the sacred ENT folks walk and we would have to be Referred. So irritating that we couldn't be Referred to begin what with the driving across town and paying the co-pay and all that.

So now we have to wait two days to get the Referral so we can call the people who will then make an appointment and start the merry dance again. Except since this is a Genuine Procedure the co-pay will likely be twice as much.

Darn it, what's the point of living in this cowboy desert if you can't perform minor surgery on a beloved relative with nothing but a rusty bowie knife and a bottle of rot-gut whiskey?

I wonder if they carry those at Costco...