Sunday, April 08, 2007

up in the air

I like airports. I like the whole idea of that sort of extension of reality. If someone asks if you've been to Grand Rapids, and you've only been to the airport you don't answer yes (well, unless you're hoping to bump up the resume of places you've been) because you've only been to that halfway place, the purgatory of travelers. I know you're supposed to whine about layovers, but I sort of like sitting in a place where you aren't really anywhere, and (after a cursory look around to ensure that all the reasonable outlets are taken) there's nothing more pressing to do than read a book for an hour or two.

However. Things I've recently experienced while flying that might not be so charming:

1. Woman with amazingly juicy cough - the sort that makes me see lovely animations of pink and purple viruses spiraling out of her mouth and dancing around the cabin and up my nose.

1 a. Same woman saying inexplicably to me that her husband refuses to be seen carrying THIS bag - then holding up THIS bag which is filled with what looks like cedar chips and Kleenex (tm). I spent the rest of the day trying to figure out what horrible disease involved cedar chips and coughing. If you know, please email because I'm pretty sure I caught it.

2. It's a cliche - but babies. I had them, I had three of them. I traveled with them and so I feel I can complain legitimately when other people's infants howl for THREE DAMN HOURS with that sort of whiny, hiccuppy waa, waa, waa that starts to make your ears bleed after five minutes. Yes, it's petty. Yes, I know the parents probably felt more horrible than I. Yes, I almost certainly was lucky and not skillful in having children that never once cried on a plane. Still, parenthood should come with privileges and I'm claiming this one. Besides, I had been up since 5 am.

3. Smelly people. Having spent hours in three commuter sized planes in the last week I personally believe smelly people should have to be checked - you know, like oversized carry-on. There could just be a basic announcement at the start of boarding: "Those of you who have not opted to shower in the last 24 hours, or who have not yet been introduced to the wonder of deodorants will be issued a green tag at the aircraft door. Your traveling companions can claim you on deplaning."

Oh. And deplaning just sounds like it should come with a moisturizer.

1 comment:

child2 said...

aren't you glad you had us? and don't get me started on smelly people. i had a boy who smelled like old cat pee and constantly ate bon-bons, and his father, the amazing armpit man. capable of knocking out all those within four rows of him. i think the stewardess fainted.