Friday, June 15, 2007

Point Me At the Boy Scout Sign Ups

So Child 3 and I had a very important talk this morning. Not that Very Important Talk - Child 3 could probably tell me a thing or two there. No, we had a preparedness talk.

It started with Child 3 letting me know that it had worked out something pretty essential. It had spent the night before mulling over the best way to escape from hostage-holding mobsters - you know, the variety that jam a handgun up to your throat and ripple their muscles suggestively. I thought about it for a moment and announced that I too had a solution. Child 3 wasn't interested. It just wanted to let me know what it had figured out. Its method used some lightning quick reflexes and a bit of head butting. Mine was much simpler.

I'd lick 'em.

Then we went on and solved other conundrums that might emerge. We are now prepared for the following. For those who haven't been as careful and might wish to know how to deal with life's little emergencies I provide our separate solutions:

1. Alligator attack:

Child 3 - punch it in the nose

Me - reach down its gullet and lift up the flappy valve thing Steve Irwin claimed was there so the critter starts to drown and then spits you out, probably making cat-with-hairball-noises

2. Killer bees:

Child 3 - explain to the bees that you live in a swamp and offer to give them a tour of the home (based on apocryphal book it claims to have read at some point)

Me - drive away really really fast. Or do that thing they do in the cartoons where you walk on the bottom of the lake with a reed to breath through. Of course, in the cartoons the bees are never fooled and they spell out rude messages or make themselves into arrows and things, but I don't think bees are as smart as they are in cartoons.

3. Stranded on top of disintegrating ferris wheel:

Child 3 - climb down superstructure, doing the fireman pole slide on the straight bits.

Me - use the mountaineering equipment you brought along to rig up a belay line and whiz down on a carabiner. (small argument about whether one would have this gear. My point being that having worked out the solution one would now never go on a ferris wheel without such items)

4. Falling off cliff:

Child 3 - dive headfirst so as to avoid lengthy and painful death

Me - glide gracefully down using your skydiving suit thing with the flaps on it. I know I've seen one in a movie somewhere. (same argument)

I think we covered all the basics. You're welcome.


child2 said...

cop chase?
drop donuts and run
surprise mother in law visit?
find friendly spot on roof next to the victim of the cockroach on the sandwich

Anonymous said...

Here's a conundrum for you all: the old getting out of a car that's partially submerged in water.

If it's a new car, the windows will be electric and presumably, won't work. That leaves breaking the window to get out which requires one of those little red hammer thingies (that also cut seat belts).

Now here's the problem. If the car is in water to begin with, chances are it's there well outside of the driver's control. Chances are also good the various items inside of the car, including the driver, have become displaced. Meaning if you wanted the little red hammer thingie to break the window to get out of the car which is submerged in water, first you have to find it. And the only sure fire way to guarantee finding the thing requires chaining it to the steering wheel which will definitely lead to an accident.

I'm thinking that riding a bike is probably the best solution.

For Kirk said...

I understand that a nail set is a great tool for breaking out submerged car windows. Do I have one? 'Course not. However in theory, you have one of those in the glove box and as soon as the car hits the water and starts sinking, you start rummaging through the box. First, remove all the gas receipts you've stuffed in there with the intention of taking them out and properly filing them. Then take out the pair of socks one of the children stored. Also expired proof-of-insurance papers and the manual you only consult when you need to change the time on the clock. At the very very bottom, rolled into the back corner find the nail set. By this time you should have happily occupied yourself during the time you could otherwise have been uselessly panicking, and you can now drown in peace.

Yes, definitely a bike.