Thursday, May 24, 2007

Character Analysis - the Gastropod Test

So I was talking to the Superior Aunt, and after she had firmly told me what I would not be allowed to write about here (but it was pretty funny - sorry you're going to miss it), we got to talking about snails; you know, as you do. You see, we've been having this strange, probably global-warmingly-ominous weather thing happening here, it's called rain. It's not Seattle type rain mind you, but it does manage to fall from the sky and land on the ground which is not always something you can count on in this area.

There have been two noticeable results. One is that some of the stunted, down-trodden, depressed looking - well, I suppose plants is the closest term - have actually had the courage to throw out a leaf or two here and there, with the result that the normally cat-box tinted landscape has, now and then, a hint of green. This is very odd.

The other thing is the snails. They must have been dormant for years, just waiting for this bizarre set of circumstances; now they're everywhere.

Which is why we began discussing our methods of snail destruction, and I realized this was better than a quick trip to the psychoanalyst for a down and dirty look into your inner-most soul. Take the three women in our family for example.

One of us picks up the snails, moves them to a hard surface, apologizes profusely, and stamps them into crunchy wodges of snail boogers.

Another one picks up the snails and tosses them into the road, wincing when they land with a loud crack, feeling guilty for the relatively lengthy death, but being far too chicken to actually stomp on them and feel the crackle of the shell.

The last one does the road toss, but claims she enjoys the sight of the crippled, mucusy little vermin trying valiantly to slither back across the pavement to the relative paradise of her garden.

I won't tell you which of us is which.

But you won't find me apologizing to no gastropods any time soon.


Anonymous said...

Vous avez une occasion parfaite de manger les petits escargots. Je préfére avec beaucoup d'ail. Mais non?

For Kirk said...

Ah! Vraiment! Mais not only is my French tres mauvais et not up to the task of answering, mon (or is it ma?) brain gets all squicked out (que c'est que le francais pour "squicked?") at the thought of mangering les petits escargots. Tant pis!

Jennifer said...

Too Funny.

I generally throw them on the roof. When chastised by the resident vegitarian I calmly explain that I am teaching them to fly.

Funny, not a single one of them has gotten the hang of it. Wonder why?

For Kirk said...

Darn vegetarians - no imagination! flying snails could be HUGE!

Oh, and my high school french teacher rose from her grave (or just sent me a message from beyond Barrack 11) and reminded me that the correct phrase would be: "Comment dit en Francais 'squicked?'"

Anonymous said...

Je ne sais pas. Squicked est tout parfait comme il est. Mais oui! Squicked est masculin.

Anonymous said...

could a translation please appear for those of us who, while we DO have squicked brains, never took french?

For Kirk said...

Why naturally! Please to read my very poor French translation which is probably completely wrong:

anonymous (the French one mind you, the first time):

"Vous avez une occasion parfaite de manger les petits escargots. Je préfére avec beaucoup d'ail. Mais non?"

Which means (I think)

"You (formal, polite) have one (female) perfect occasion to eat the little escargots (snails). I prefer [them] with lots of oil. But no?"

Then I replied in terrible form but my French phrases mean:

"Ah! Vraiment! Mais..." -
"Ah! True! But..."

"tres mauvais et..." -
"very bad and..."

"que c'est que le francais pour "squicked?"" -
"What is the French for "squicked?""

"Comment dit en Francais 'squicked?'" -
"How does one say in French 'squicked?'"

Then, just to prove anonymous de Francais has way better language skills than I, il/elle (he/she) said:

"Je ne sais pas. Squicked est tout parfait comme il est. Mais oui! Squicked est masculin."

"I do not know. Squicked is perfect as it is. But yes! Squicked is masculine"

Tune in next week! I will teach you to say useful phrases like: "The pen of my aunt is on the table." and "Have you seen the orange shirt of my nephew?"

child said...

wow, how amazing...

Anonymous said...

garlic = ail

For Kirk said...

AUGH! See! Told you my French is tres mauvais. Tune in next week and I'll make elementary grammar errors in Latin, Ancient Greek and Old English. That's right! I'm illiterate in dead languages as well as living.

For Kirk said...

And I repeat myself. That's two tune in next weeks in one comment string. Loverly.