Friday, January 05, 2007

I have a tendency to assume that other people are privy to my internal dialog - that everyone must know what I've already thrashed out inside my mind. It leads to complications naturally, and it's not helped by the fact that I often feel I'm stating the obvious so I don't spell things out. Maybe I need to say out loud why I started this blog, and exactly why I'm unsure what to do now.

When I began writing, Kirk had been missing for two and a half years. I had no feeling that the investigation was going anywhere, no way of knowing if the situation would ever be resolved. I also realized that there was a sort of power in the hands of the CID (people who, by the way, had treated me with enormous respect and care) who could re-write Kirk's entire life and character with their conclusion.

It's hard to articulate this properly. I was trained as a historian, and part of that training is learning that everyone who writes history or participates in it (through interview, diary - whatever) brings a bias, and that bias changes how history is remembered. Sometimes that effect is very small, but sometimes one person or group has enormous power, and can write history in their own vision.

I realized that the CID had that chance. They could, with their conclusion, decide not only what had happened to Kirk (and how could I say they were wrong?) but who he was, what he was thinking, why he did what he did.

So I began to write some of Kirk's story. I can't write it really, and I think that's obvious because of all the times I've had to say "I don't know exactly what happened..." or "Kirk couldn't tell me..." But I could write about the Kirk I knew.

I made the choice right from the start to keep my name, and the names of other people out of it. It was, basically, a love letter to Kirk, and all the rest of us are supporting cast.

Finding the moment to end isn't easy. I'm selfish - I didn't want to end with Kirk's disappearance because I didn't want that to define him. But I know that's not really the end of the story, and I do realize that there are other things that could be told.

So now I'm not sure what happens next. I've finished what I set out to do. I certainly haven't written all of it, but the narrative has come to an end point. Obviously the story goes on, obviously there is a great deal more that happened, but it happened once Kirk dropped out of the story, and it's hard to know what to do when the hero leaves the stage. I was always comfortable with Kirk as the star of the show - I'm not at all happy about stepping into that role myself.

I have to decide if there's a valid reason to go on. I need to figure out why I would tell what happened next, and I need to believe that this is the right medium to do it in.

7 comments:

Anonymous said...

May I suggest something? Those of us who are reading this, who knew and loved you, or Kirk, or both, need some kind of...for lack of a better word, closure. We need to know that you and your kids are okay, finding a new normal, finding some portion of peace or happiness. Finding a reason to keep going. In your blog you mention that Kirk felt felt that "what's done is done, now what can we do to make it better?" We all hope that you all are getting through this horrible ordeal and are getting better.

child two said...

you could always put ME as the center of attention!!!!!!! *grinning maniacally...*

For Kirk said...

Ah yes, quite true Child 2! And I'd also have the Hollywood factor since you're so damn good looking and appealing! (not that Children 1 and 3 are not, mind...)

child 2 said...

*pose, pose, smile, wave, but not too friendly* yees...whell. here's to all the little people.

Lori said...

Ok, I grit my teeth and ask, because I just have to....What is niggling at me is not knowing who got him or why they targeted him. Were they local baddies just waiting to drygulch any American who happened by? Or was it someone who could have had specific plans against him or his company?

And why were there no signs of a struggle? Or did that get reported wrong? Did he know the attackers? Why did they find the gun in the car? And the money and computer? It seems that most any normal ne'r-do-well would be sure not to leave valuables....All this makes it seem to me that he was being prevented from telling things that needed telling very badly. Maybe I have just read all the wrong books. I don't even know how much of this you could possibly know. Please forgive me for asking.

Child 1 said...

I wouldn't want to be rich and famous because then you'd have the paparazzi taking the pictures when you look the worst. I'll go with just rich.

child2 said...

grrr...paparazzi... rats of the informational system...