Superhero

The male child has a super power.

Well, it has several along the lines of Constant and Irritating Noise and Eating By Means of Total Devastation of All Foodstuffs and things like that but most males its age have those. No, it has a special super power, one it has always had. It is a pedant.

Like: PEDant Man! (musical theme riff, spiffy costume of orange tights with "P" emblazoned on chest).

I used to say he acted in support of pedantism to which Kirk would reply, "that's pedantry I think." Gee, I wonder where Male Child got it?

However it is an ism with this Child. It's a full-on, emotionally charged belief system. That belief system goes something like: Things Should Be Correct! And I Know What Is Correct.

It even has a catch phrase. It goes, "Well, but actually..."

There are a couple of minor problems with this.

First, the Male Child, while totally convinced of its own erudition and wisdom is, dare I say it, not always right.

Second, even in total and complete ignorance the Male Child is happy to state absolutely and with assurance that Thus Is So.

Fortunately it (whom we often refer to as Pedanto) is also happy to learn the real truth (as opposed to The Definitively But Ignorantly Stated "Truth") even if it does take bar charts, PowerPoint presentations and judicious application of hefty blunt objects to get the point across.

Pedanto, a few things I would really like you to learn:

A. Concussed persons should not climb. Nor should they spin things. Nor should they bounce on the furniture.

B. When the mother of the concussed person tells it to eat something very simple first to see if it is going to throw up, the concussed person should not wolf down a cinnamon-raisin bagel while waiting for said simple food to heat up. This, oddly enough, defeats the purpose.

C. If a person has been recently, if mildly, concussed, it should make an effort not to run into anything with its head for a few days.

And finally, well loved Male Child of mine, when reading over this simple list a sensible person desiring of continuing in reasonable, if slightly concussed, health should not turn to it's mother and say, "Well, but actually..."

Called

There is a new man with a placard on my way home from work.

New because men with placards are not that unusual 'round these parts. (note: it's never women with placards... are we not biologically placard oriented? Or is it that we have better things to do than stand around in the sun holding a sign no one wants to read and shouting a slogan no one bothers to hear. Not sure.) There's a guy who has to wear a sombrero and carry a sandwich sign declaring his support of $3 rotisserie chickens and $2 cans of Tecate. I like him because he serves as a constant and useful reminder to the Children of Why We Go To College (so that when we get a job as a sandwich sign holder that sign will be spelled correctly and will not contain a single misplaced quotation mark) However this is a NEW placard holder.

At first I didn't quite understand his sign though. The "Jesus is coming!" bit was pretty clear, but the "2nd John the Baptist Com" was where I ran into trouble. Because, see, I'm a digital person (yes! Nothing but pixels, me - very, very attractive pixels mind you...) so I automatically thought he was publicizing a web site. I was a little sniffy about it actually - I mean, it wasn't entirely clear whether it was JesusIsComing.com or 2ndJohnTheBaptist.com or some variation thereof and that's just poor marketing. Also I couldn't support the really wishy-washy branding - no way to tell what the product was which is fine if you want to get people all excited about mysteries and things but then you have to look COOL and frankly this sign did not look cool.

Yes, it took me that long to work through all of that and realize

He thinks he's John the Baptist. The second. Like John the Baptist Junior or - John the Baptist II: The Return of Jesus (I see a sort of apocalyptic sci-fi background, probably in deep blues and cool greens, good cloudy sky and a custom font...)

Now, he wasn't there on Friday so I figure he probably got the call on Friday night or Saturday morning which would just give him time to pick up some supplies from the local DIY store (Item: one sheet plywood, cut to specification; item: assorted hardware; item: two pints paint-Moral Purity White and End of the World Scarlet), knock up his sign and still keep Sunday as a day of rest.

I do wonder though just how that went down though.

Voice: I cometh!

Him: Er, what?

Voice: I cometh! Soon!

Him: And you are...

Voice: Look Desmond [he looked like a Desmond]*, I'm a voice from the heavens shaking your very soul and yet audible only to you

Him: Oh God

Voice: Quite

Him: Is this going to involve animal husbandry or anything? Because I've never had anything other than a goldfish and it only lived two weeks.

Voice: No, no, but there are a few things I should probably tell you...

Now, John II obviously doesn't have a good PR staff supporting him. There was no escalating press campaign, no slick web site, no interviews or editorial articles. He's fighting an up-hill battle to really get the word out so I thought I'd do what I can to help him out.

John's back. Spread the word.

*Desmond, from the Latin meaning, "man of the world," alternately from the American meaning, "name given a skinny white kid thus ensuring he would have the crap beaten out of him throughout school and would ultimately have a slight tendency to religious fervor, hearing of voices and assumption of personalities of those considered sacred but long deceased."

communications 101

What he said: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOH! Mamacita!

What he meant: I realize I'm sitting in an over-sized truck at a stoplight and you're simply crossing the road but I feel we've made a strong spiritual connection.

What I heard: The size of my truck has nothing to do with compensating! Nothing! It's just that the engine noise makes a nice counterpoint to my grunted efforts at conversation.


What he said: You're a web designer, huh? On the internet?

What he meant: Now you say something because then we're having a conversation and we can get to the part where I ask you to join me for a drink.

What I heard: Did you see how I connected web with internet? I've just exhausted my knowledge of the subject.


What I said: Sorry, but I've got a meeting in a few minutes.

What I meant: No. Really, no. Honestly, this is quite sincere, no, as in never. No.

What he heard: I want you! I want you! But you're too much man for me. Keep trying. In particular please lean a lot closer because I want you!

Apology

Sir:

I would like you to know that normally I'm a pretty nice person. Ordinarily, if there were no one behind me, I would have stopped for you and waved for you to go ahead and cross the street. It's not that much time for me and it's just a polite and friendly thing to do.

But I did not stop for you. I went right on past, without even a smile. I know. However in my defense:

1. You were wearing a silk shirt in a truly vile shade of orange.

2. You had it unbuttoned to expose the quite impressive crop of chest fur you've been cultivating.

3. Also there was bling. Quite tacky, shiny, "gold" bling.

4. Finally, and this hurts me to say, you were picking your nose - like up to the first knuckle picking, and there seemed to be the beginnings of a mouth-ward movement going on.

Which is why I had to look away and drive on past you sir.

I do hope you understand.

B.A.C.K.

They're back! They survived! A whole weekend without ONE SINGLE NAG and they made it. I'm sure it was a close thing though.

When I came home on Friday after spending the morning carefully collecting and packing food and other interesting items so Child 2 would be The Most Prepared Camper Ever I found a loving note sitting on the table... and Child 2's ginormous sleeping bag right in the middle of the hall. Where you would trip over it. Say if you were packing up to go and trying to make sure not to forget anything important.

I asked it what it slept in and it said, "oh, my coat and another coat and the fireplace." Ah. Well, that's good then.

However I was VINDICATED because one of the first things that happened was the leader going into the port-o-john and coming out all concerned saying, "uh, guys, there's no toilet paper in there..." and Child 2 was able to triumphantly produce its roll of tp BECAUSE IT'S MOTHER IS JUST THAT GOOD. I hope it gave me full credit.

But.

That wasn't the most important thing that happened this weekend.

The most important thing was that Children 1 and 3 went to a buffet restaurant with their team for dinner and a man sat down near them and leaned over to one of their friends and said, "hey, is that good steak? You gonna finish that steak?" The guy shook his head and this man said, "Great! Because I really want that steak for my dog." Then he reached over, took that steak

and put it in his sock.

His sock.

He put the steak in his sock.

And I know at that moment my Children were so thrilled because they knew - this, THIS is why my mother has a blog.

A.L.O.N.E.

Somehow I have no Children this weekend.

I shouldn't be surprised. I knew about it all theoretically. I was aware of it, sort of individually. It's the collective result that's a little surprising.

I have no Children this weekend.

As in none.

Zeeeeero.

This whole weekend.

Starting....staaaaarting this morning actually when I dropped them all off at school.

Children 1 and 3 went by bus to Colorado where they will... I don't know march a little and run some and maybe wave a few things aimlessly. Oh and I think they shout quite a bit - things like: THE HONORABLE GEORGE W. BUSH MA'AM (only they aren't NEARLY as good at shouting as two people in the group. One shouts like there's a lonely goat herder perched up in a mountain far, far away, like that goat herder's whole life depends on contact being made and the only thing this boy has is his voice. It's that good. The other one is a girl who shouts in the most amazingly high register I've ever heard. Bats congregate just out of curiosity. My Children are nothing in comparison - they don't even begin to compete).

Child 2 on the other hand leaves this afternoon before I get home to go camping up somewhere with a lot of rocks. And much sun. And probably prickly vegetation that waits to ambush the unwary (I've never been there it's just that this describes 90% of the state).

Because I'm a loving mother I not only purchased and packed up camp-appropriate food, I also included an enormous tube of sun screen which Child 2 will forget about until it's already sizzled itself a delicious shade of pink, a spare roll of toilet paper (because YOU NEVER KNOW), and enough ingredients to make s'mores for a small army of Girl's Scouts. I feel I have done earned myself a Preparedness Award of Awesomeness or something.

Or maybe just a lovely, quiet, tidy weekend alone.

Ahhhhhhhhhh.

Public Privacy

I've had to accept, reluctantly, that some people view their cars as a small, private oasis where one may explore the various crevices and orifices of one's body at leisure.

But what on earth makes anyone think a cell phone has some mystical ability to surround the user with a bubble of silence?

Just today I heard:

"Nah, no... no, I told you we aren't serious! We've only gone out, like, once... Mom... Mom, don't call her mom, no really, don't! We went out for pizza - pizza is not serious! Mom! What? Yes. Yes I did. No, I really did! I told you I did... Mom it's not like I don't shower - why do you have to ask me if I shower? I did shower. I shower, like, all the time. Like, yesterday and like today too..."

"Look [loud female voice breaks in]... Look [much more loud female voice, quite shrill now]... look... LOOK!!!! I called you to tell you I was gonna be late and you said you were going to bed anyway so why are you angry when you don't remember when I came home last night? [mumbling female voice] Of course I was home before midnight... [mumble] baby, I know you were asleep. You were snoring. [LOUD female voice] Baby how is it an attack when I say you snore? [mumble] Anyway, I called to tell you I'm going to be home late tonight."

And, rather disturbingly:

"Dude... yeah... nah, it's prescription but it totally takes the rash down... nah, like no itching AT. ALL."

Life amongst the undergraduates.

Inappropriate

You know you've achieved something as a parent when you can sit around with your two female Children and laugh until you cry because of the inappropriate conversation you've been having.

I love you guys.

And Male Child? Probably just as well you weren't around.

Parenting Sin

Yesterday I found myself at Ssssssoooopah Target picking up ice cream

You see, I had casually mentioned that it's entirely possible frozen dairy products will never again defile our freezer if I keep having to come home to a living room full of dirty socks and un-cleared water cups. My head might have spun around a little bit and it's possible there was a small amount of laser burning from my eyes but I'm all better now.

Then a miracle happened.

All week, the entire week long, I have left a clean and tidy house and I have returned to a clean and tidy house. The dishes are done, the counters clear, the living room furniture is where it should be and not shoved up against the wall so the Children can do Romanian gymnastic pretzel practice or whatever it is they do.

So yesterday, in full belief that I would again see a sparkling house when I walked in the door, I picked up not one, but two cartons of ice cream AND a bottle of fudge sauce.

Am I bribing my Children to do what they should do anyway? You bet your bippy. And it works.

Just wait until next week though when they realize it's going to extend to include THE BATHROOM... oh the humanity.

All Other Board Games Are Sissy

Child 2 had an assignment to create a board game, which I totally supported because it was going to make the board of cardboard and our garage is currently a frightening Zone of Cardboard Death because I can't bear to throw it out and haven't figured out the recycling in our neighborhood.

Basically the game simply had to include something from their current area of study which apparently is Horrifying and Deadly Diseases! (and if that doesn't scream entertaining family fun then I simply don't know what does)

So.

I did have a few constructive ideas - like, ooh! Why not have a plague marker! So if you're struck with something really horrible and contagious you can infect others with your ooziness! Oh! Oh! And why not make it so the player can choose to infect OR can go all saintly and isolate themselves in their dreadful state of limb-dropping-offage and at the end of the turn the player can throw the dice to see if they lose or if there's a miracle and thanks to their humanitarian fabulousness they get a cure! - or - You definitely need a few god cards - like Godtopus or the Flying Spaghetti Monster or (our personal family deity) Quantos hath spoken and You! Are! Healed!

Child 2 quite irritatingly had already had a lot more interesting and amusing ideas all on its own, but I forgive it because I'm nice that way. Anyway, it hauled off a few acres of cardboard and yesterday it presented its game to the class. Then it brought the game home - thus demonstrating its utter and complete lack of understanding of the whole Cardboard Principle - and suggested we give the game a try.

Three turns in and Child 1 had THREE fabulous diseases (well, okay two and a lost spleen which meant it could contract all sorts of stuff given the chance) and I was 0 for three and feeling quite unloved. But then! Child 1 got some sort of magical wonder card and was allowed to infect the person closest so I totally got to take over ALL of those fine illnesses and not two turns later I had another two as well! It was an excellent game indeed. The only problem was we were all convinced that once one had, inevitably, died (from, say Mad Cow disease complicated by influenza and kidney failure) one should be allowed to stalk the board as Death which meant every last one of us wanted to die immediately. And be given a finely honed scythe and a natty black outfit. And speak stentoriously AND ALL IN CAPITALS.

Anybody wanna play?

Still

Child 2 remarked the other day that it was surprised I had put a picture of myself on the internet.

"It is 20 years old," I pointed out.

"Yes..." It said, "still..."

Which I take to mean:

Still, mother, you haven't effectively aged now, have you? You are still youthful and beautiful and everything that is fabulous.

And your mouth is still always open.

Today

Today I saw something wearing a turban and a dress and for the life of me I don't know if it was male or female. I almost convince myself of one (dress - come on now, DRESS=woman) and then swing violently back the other way (dress and MUSTACHE does not=woman). I spent at least five minutes trying to decide if those were boobs under that calico or just part of the rollage that was going on all up and down the torso.

Today I added to my Mortal Sin of making my Children watch old and slightly obscure television shows by putting the whole Blackadder discography on my Netflix list. And I'm not even sorry.

Today I tried so hard to go back to sleep just because I could that I forced myself into a state of hyper-awakeness. But I stayed in bed anyway, wide awake because I believe firmly in the importance of morning laziness at all opportunities. [Note: This is possibly because I was raised by a Morning Person who convinced me that being a Morning Person was a sign of Righteousness Before the Lord. This Morning Person clumped, on weekend mornings, purposefully and with intent to wound. I was a Night Person and always aware of my heinous sinful state. But I still wanted to sleep in.]

And

Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary.

Which I didn't quite know how to post about, because yes, it sucks to have to put that "would have been" in that sentence. Because Kirk and I used to talk about how cool it would be when we had been married for longer than we had been single. Because I do still miss him and think about him every. single. day.

But

I loved being married to Kirk. I loved it when we were dirt poor and had three children under the age of four. I loved it when we were tired and stressed and desperately unhappy with everything except our marriage. I loved all of it, especially that it was funny and silly and we laughed all the time over things like turban-wearing hermaphrodites and Brit-coms no one else watched and how important it is to really, truly get into your lazy self every now and then.

And that's what I'm thinking about.

Today.

Rebel

My boss called me last night and asked, ever so nicely, if I would please, oh PLEASE, oh pretty please (but don't if you can't because that's okay too) switch my work hours around so I do afternoons instead of mornings. And because I'm a team player and a generally all around fantastic person I thought:

Hmmmm.... I could sleep in!

But I would have to park farther away

And there's rush hour traffic and the freeway is being worked on

And I hate that kind of stuff

Which is why I arrange to be at work at such a ridiculously early hour

But I could sleep in!

So I agreed. Then I spent the rest of the evening going na-na-na-na-na-na to the Children and pointing out that I! Could! Sleep! In!

Of course this morning I was awake at the usual time anyway BUT I didn't get up (which is the main point) and IF it was possible to have fallen back to sleep I could have!

I can also stay up late if I want to, and I can eat breakfast in my pajamas and not even take a shower until, like 8! I have a sudden urge to dye my hair magenta and paint my room black.

Excuse me. I need to crank the volume on my Depeche Mode. It's time to party like it's 1986.

Multiple Personality

So, again, sorry there will be no segue.

The problem is I started this as a blog about Kirk and so there is a great deal about missing persons, about Kirk, about all that sort of stuff. But inevitably my current life and the Children and stuff like that sort of crept in and lo! There was multiplebloginality! I suppose I should get organized and put the Kirk story into one blog and the rest of it into another, but in the meantime you'll have to cope with the virtual whiplash as we whiz from one thing to another.*

Susie Dow, who blogs at Missingman has been doing amazing work getting all sorts of details and things organized about Kirk's story and about other related things (the clever among you will notice that she started her blog in November 2003, as soon as the story broke. She has been doing this with great dedication for four and a half years now). She has put in so much work lately and produced so much stuff that I wanted to link over for those who want more information. As always Susie, thanks.

December, 2007 archive:

Kirk's Car - post stating questions about Kirk's supposed actions on the day he vanished

Car Photo - photo of the type of car Kirk drove that day

Safa Shukir & the Phone Call - post of questions specifically about the phone call to Ultra Services employee, Safa Shukir

FOB Pacesetter - excellent background post with information on the base Kirk visited including maps and photos

January, 2008 archive:

This archive page has loads of excellent geographic information, general and then specific. Susie has included photos and some excellent maps with markers to help put everything into scale. The posts include:

Jabal Hamrin
Jabal Makhul
Jabal Hamrin and Jabal Makhul - photo and map
The Tikrit & Kirkuk Road - videos and map

February, 2008 archive:

Further background information including:

Glossary
Military Bases in North East Iraq - with map and key
Still Missing - names and details on those still missing in Iraq
Ultra Services - Who, What, Where - including bios and photos (where available) on both the American's involved and the Turkish and Iraqi employees.

March, 2008 archive:

Kirk von Ackermann's Nissan Patrol SUV - information on the car itself, on the jack and the tire and some links to additional sources

Ryan Manelick's Hyundai Galloper - background for the car driven by Ryan and his companion on the day they were killed in December, 2003

'Nice White Land Cruiser'- the final of the three posts on the cars involved

Sun, Moon, Weather Data and Context - background information on weather and questions or issues it raises

The Bridge Theory - excellent post. Includes a graphic showing decision points on the day Kirk went missing

Thoughts on Conspiracy

Americans Missing in Iraq - update on those missing in Iraq. The remains of six people have been found and identified.

April, 2008:

LSA Anaconda - General and LSA Anaconda - Motor Pool - information on the base

Into A Dark Place - fair warning! Susie is going to write up a fictional (imaginary) account of what happened.

The Mind of Susie Dow - based on her investigation this is Susie's account of what could have happened. Please note, she states clearly this is NOT the CID account and NOT intended to be read as fact. It is conjecture and imagination based on the information she has.

The Demountable Guard Shack - information on the guard shack Kirk (and I) designed, a product he was in the process of marketing. He had meetings set up in Europe to talk to suppliers for raw materials, had had a firm offer from a Turkish business man who wanted Kirk to leave Ultra Services and produce this product, and enthusiastic reaction from military officers in Iraq when he described the product and asked about their interest in it. This product was, for a short time, marketed after Kirk's disappearance. I have no idea whether they actually produced it or sold any units.

Short Note

*Hey... I have a segue after all...

Random Sunday Thoughts

A. A sparkling clean window ledge is conducive to inner peace.

Further note - while high-gloss paint in some application is one of the lesser works of the devil (see also plastic easter grass and crop tops with low-rider jeans) it is, at times a thing of beauty.

B. I have kept two spam emails in my inbox just because I'm amused to see heartfelt messages from Amber Valentine and Igor Braunwort.

Further note - those two are clearly made for each other. I should forward those messages simply because somewhere out there there should be two people in love who look deeply into each other's eyes and murmur, "Oh Igor..." "... yes Valentine?" I think this would make the world a better place.

C. I'm convinced that half the population dresses in a darkened closet and sprints out the door lest they catch a glimpse of themselves in a full-length mirror. Nothing else explains the:

13+ muffin tops
4 violations of the no-socks-with-sandals rule
2 violations of the no-knee-length-white-tube-socks-with-shorts rule
1 violation of the no-crotch-height-skirts-after-40 rule

All seen within 10 minutes on Friday.

D. Our family conversations are heading in a frightening direction. Last night we had a serious discussion on just how sexy Sly Cooper is and whether or not the pistol-holder thing he wears (in which there is no pistol) is intended to highlight his manly raccoon thighs. For the record, we voted yes.

I'm not sure what all this says for the week to come.

Achievement

It was award night at JROTC last night.

No: Award Night with capitals because there was a sound track and everything so you know it was a Proper Noun Night all around.

And because I do love Child 1 and Child 3 I did not take my book to Award Night (which is a family tradition by the way. My father still takes his Louis L'Amour to the symphony - and he takes it out and reads it during every break), and I did not wear my 12 year old sweatshirt that I stole from Kirk three months after he bought it, and I firmly repressed all urges to shout "you GO baby!!" every time they called one of the Children's names. Which means I completely earned that framed certificate they gave me for... apparently having successfully bred AND not killed my oldest Child, which totally made up for all of those sleepless nights and stuff. Totally.

[funny story - the announcer was doing the lead up chat to handing out these "awards" to the parents of the graduating seniors and actually said, "To all those parents who have stuck it out for three years, or four years or even {pregnant pause} ... one year." I happily whispered "even... one year" and giggled to Child 1 three times during the rest of the evening]

Both Children received a letter* which amused the hell of me because it reminded me that I personally lettered in Drama in high school. And if letter jackets didn't cost a bajillion dollars I would so buy one now and sew on my Drama letter (or I would if I hadn't pitched it years ago during one of our moves) and I would strut around campus and patronize all of the jocks.

Then they both got a fitness award which completely shut me up because it never, ever occurred to me that any member of my family would be awarded for fitness (Kirk's side? Oh yes. Mine? Not so much). Child 1, who admitted it had struggled to complete 2 laps at the start of the year now runs under a 10 minute mile AND regularly does more sit-ups than anyone else in its class (that's full sit ups mind you, where you cross your arms on your chest and sit up so darn far you can put your elbows past your knees. None of those sissy "crunches" that really mean you're just picking your head up and looking focused). Child 3 meanwhile runs a cool 6:27 mile at the moment and voluntarily does things like pull ups and push ups and other muscley-bendy things. I'm so darn impressed with them both.

Then we zipped into the main event which was the Award awards. These are sponsored by various groups, like the Veterans of Foreign Wars or the Daughters of the American Revolution, and I saw the woman I want to be when I grow up. She must have been 70 something, bounced up the stage stairs, instantly whipped all four people up there into shape ("no, that's not the right thing, here, look at this, hold that, turn that over...") AND was overheard later that night browbeating the Senior Msgt into submission for not recycling the soda cans. She rocked.

However, I have to admit that I was only one for two on Correct Associative Military Response to my Children's awards. Child 3 received the award for leadership sponsored by the Purple Heart Recipients of America, and I know enough to agree with Child 3 that it is a totally cool award, and that I did get a little chokey and teary just thinking about all the people who are represented by that medal and that it probably should go up on the wall so it can be admired properly. But Child 1? It came back from the stage and showed me its new medal and my response was, "oooh! It's all stripy and pretty!"

But it's definitely going on the wall too.

Along with my Successfully Avoided Infanticide award.

Because I earned that damnit.

*Note for non-American type readers: American high schools hand out these school letters - literally letters. They're felt-backed, fuzzy A's or B's or in this case S's in the school colors. The idea is you then buy a ridiculously over-priced jacket (see sample photo) to which you attach the letter (or letters) to announce to the world that... well, that you have a letter I suppose! Personally I've always associated the things with activities involving sweating and running and other jock stuff so the whole idea of a Drama letter just makes me giggle. However, my darling Children, that does not mean that YOUR letters are not Very Impressive and Entirely Deserved. Which they are. No really.

Rapunzel

I've always had long hair.

Well, except that one time on a school trip when I let my friend cut my hair and she went all 80's on my head and I ended up with one side up to my ear and the other down at my shoulder. Such things might have worked (in the 80's) with sylphs with silky straight hair but not me and my even-in-the-desert curly mop. Oh, and there was the sad, sad day when the hairdresser mistook my request for "simple" and "easy" for "lop-it-all-off Mom-do."

But other than THAT I've always had long hair.

And I do know that I haven't exactly done any trimming lately... say for several months...

So why am I suddenly surprised to find that I'm sporting a head of hair more than halfway down my back?

And why is it that part of me is well aware that I'm not nine any longer and I should definitely get the damn hair cut...

... but the rest has spent the day secretly being thrilled because everyone knows that princesses have really, really long hair.

Now I just need a tiara.

Moving On

So.

Yes, I honestly am that grumpy often! And yes the ice-cream man came back yesterday evening and yes I did make sarcastic and (very funny! Really!) irritated comments until that 8-bar refrain faded away into the distance.

Now you're really sorry for my children aren't you?

I have no segue here so we'll just leap into the real topic.

Child 2 and I were trying to impose some order on the sun-room last week. The sun room is one of those areas of the house that expresses that damn law of entropy - you know, the law that says the universe is constantly moving into chaos? That any system (say, a linen closet or a craft closet) will inevitably go from ordered to disordered. The fact that it's a law of the universe explains why it's never anyone's fault that the folded towels have become unfolded, the boxed up art supplies have spread themselves over the shelf and the hot glue gun is once again sitting on the kitchen counter with a dribble of solidified glue sticking to the surface.

I won't even try to point the finger at Child 3 who likes to go into the sun-room and listen to its i-pod while it spins in the office chair we don't have room for anywhere else and casually rummages through the storage boxes we have out there. Surely it's not its fault that there was a fine dusting of pictures, papers, beloved but outgrown toys and other important items over every surface of the room?

So Child 2 and I waded in and began grimly fighting a force of the universe - meaning we sort of stuffed everything into a box that more or less fit the description until we both got fed up and just shoved the rest out of sight.

While doing so I came across a small plastic booklet labeled "Photographs."

When Kirk and I got married we didn't have a professional photographer. Actually, we didn't have a caterer, a professional dressmaker or anything else either but that's not the point. What we did have was someone - I don't know who... my mother? racing around now and then and desperately snapping a picture here and there. Which means that just about every picture I have shows Kirk looking grim and me with my mouth open... well, except for the one with my sister where it looks like we're having this really, really special and touching sisterly moment together before I leave and really she's saying, "okay, now gimme my necklace back!"

There are only about eight pictures in the book but it was fun to come across it because now when I get emails that ask, "were you really nineteen when you got married?" I can say, yes, yes I was:



Note: Kirk however was a creaking old man of 21.

Question

It must be spring because we officially turned the furnace thermostat to zero (it was at 61 because, you know 60 would be COLD and 62 is just too wild and crazy hedonistic), the sprinklers were reprogrammed and yesterday the ice-cream man came out of hibernation and began once more trolling for sugar-fiends through the streets.

I listened to the 8 bars of tinkly, Doppler-shifted music as it cruised mournfully up our street, over a block, down the next, up again for about two hours - fading now and then but always present. And first I wondered why there haven't been any famous cases of ice-cream van drivers turning sociopathic mass-murderer. Then I decided that the sociopathic tendencies were clearly already expressed simply by being an ice-cream van driver with an 8 bar musical kiddy-lure. Then I thought of the real question as that refrain continued to drill through my brain:

Why haven't there been any famous cases of mass murderers OF ice cream van drivers?

Now, would that go under "hobbies" or "public service" on a CV?

The Sounds of Silence

Children 1 and 3 are out of town this week.

I do love them so.

But they are out of town.

As in far, faaaaar away from here.

Which means that even if I listen hard, even if I put a cup to the wall and lean my ear up against it, even if I slow down my own darn heartbeat because it's interfering with my ability to hear, even then?

I can't hear Child 3 at all.

Child 3 has a talent for noise.

Commonly heard phrases in our house:

"Child 3! PLEASE no more percussion"

"That includes thumping your belly"

"And your sibling"

"And ME! Get off 3!"

"And no nose flute either"

"Child 3, are you quite sure you don't need to go outside and take a nice, long run?"

A week or so ago Child 3 took a cardboard box, a strip of steel flashing, a plank of wood, a rope and some hot glue and created The Childolin. Because what was missing in Child 3's life was something it could grab up at a moment's notice and shout, "hey! Guess what song I'm playing! It's Diary of Jane! On the Childolin! Listen again!" [note: I will post a picture of the Childolin but it will have to wait because darn old Child 1 selfishly took its digital camera with it on the trip]

So having packed Child 3 up (and double checked its toothbrush AND its ID that took 3 days to find) I sent it and its sibling off on Monday with many loving little words of farewell and a song in my heart.

And for the last three days it has been blissfully, remarkably quiet.

Golly, I kind of miss It.

Celebrating Fertility Symbols and Sugar Rushes

So Easter might have snuck up on me a little.

Yes, there have been aisles of sickly pastel in Target for the past month and a half. Yes there might have been one or two HUNDRED different "baskets" - including one made out of Elmo's head that I'll tell you right now will be worth at least $5000 in therapy when some poor kid stops suppressing that particular memory. Yes there were stacks of bunny and chickie related books with a large display of "special store brand" rabbits right at check out. But I still found myself last Friday going, "wait, Easter? That Easter?? THIS Sunday???"

So I found myself in the pushing, elbowing crowd with all the other parents who celebrate various holidays by following the sacred traditions of procrastination and panic. I did hear one mother, nearly in tears, desperately asking someone where. the. damn. plastic. eggs. were. I smiled at her in sympathy and neatly snagged the last bag of Reese's eggs by reaching between two grandmother types and over the woman who was sitting on the floor painstakingly comparing the attractions of Starburst jelly beans vs. Brachs. I don't bother with that sort of care and bother. I just make sure I have enough tooth-rotting sucrose to make a decent show but not so much that I would have to spend more than two hours packaging it.

Because we have this tradition at our house.

So this year's hiding places included:

Buried in the sugar bin
Taped to the underside of the clunky old television
Nestled inside the second of the Russian Dictator Stacking Dolls (Breshnev)
Stuck to the corner of the ceiling behind the sofit
Stuffed down the center of the paper towels (which Child 3 dislodged by giving the roll a violent whip, sending the small packet of jelly beans whizzing past Child 1's ear and adding to Child's complicated relationship with flying beans)

and

slid into the battery compartment of the largest flashlight.

By the time we were on these the Children were pathetically begging for a hint so I told them finding this one would be "illuminating."

Child 2 shrieked "LIGHTBULB!!!" sounding a little like a hysterical chicken.

Naturally we shouted Lightbulb! at each other at random moments for the rest of the day.

Oh, and we never did find one wad of jelly beans. That's traditional too.

Classification

"I am a fork!" Child 1 announced this weekend.

I'd like to tell you there was a long and logical lead up (oooh! alliteration!) to this moment but no, actually it was a short and entirely ridiculous lead up. Which comes as no surprise to anyone who knows us.

And it wasn't enough to declare Its association with common cutlery, no. Child 1 immediately began agitating for fork rights and making random declarations of fork unity.

Child 2 naturally refused to be a fork. Since this is the Don't Touch Me Child we responded by declaring it a spoon - simply waiting to be cuddled. There was a certain amount of outrage, and possibly a little rebellious shouting of, "I'm a knife! a KNIFE!!" but Child 1 and I were not to be denied.

This left however the difficult problem of Child 3. Child 1 wasn't entirely sure Child 3 was worthy of forkishness and Child 2 was selfishly hogging both spoons AND knives with its stubborn refusal to accept its essential lovability. I resolved it though and declared Child 3 an egg slicer.* Child 3 was delighted.

Then we all did the fork dance of victory and finished our pasta.

*Anyone who has read Terry Pratchett will understand this, but for those who haven't, the egg slicer is the thing that everyone has but no one remembers buying. Also it's the thing that always gets caught in the drawer and causes the incarnation of the goddess Annoia. Since Child 3 is ubiquitous, has ridiculously long limbs that certainly give the impression they are about to get caught in things, and is probably the most committed acolyte in the spread of the cult of Annoia we felt it was a reasonable designation.

Anyone got a Flux Capacitor?

Argh

Sorry about the sporadic posting. We recently had a staff member resign and because of the way hiring is done here we couldn't even advertise to fill the position until nearly a month had gone by. Actually, we still don't have an ad out for it which means we'll be a staff member down for another month probably (hopefully not much more). So a few of us have been spending part of our time covering for this position - which in my case means being away from my computer and therefore not being able to do my core job. At the same time I've just had my job responsibilities doubled.

Aaaaaaand I'm also doing a soups-to-nuts complete redesign of the main website I'm responsible for.

All of which means a leetle stress, and very little time or energy for writing blogger posts. However according to the Children I make very amusing Marge Simpson noises so there's an upside to it all I suppose.

Also I did just finish a first draft of a poster that looks pretty darn cool (my horn! I am blowing it! Wooot! Wooot!) and will hopefully be approved by the director today which will be one slim file removed from my towering pile of Very Important Things To Do Immediately and At Once.

Child 1 - Now with photos!

Child 1, bless it, was our training child, the one we made all of our mistakes on - at least in theory. Actually it spoiled us rotten by being a remarkably easy and pleasant kid, something we falsely attributed to our mad parenting skilz.

This year it has startled me by suddenly becoming a creative and accomplished artist. It is taking ceramics, and has been steadily filling up a shelf with a variety of pots and bowls. They are very nice pots and bowls of course, and I like them a great deal but they pale in comparison with the sculpture Child has been doing.


There is the charming and insouciant frog I got for Christmas, the small decorated bust it gave me for my birthday, and the impressionistic mermaid that belongs to Child 2 now.

I realize I could be suspected of bias when I report that the stuff Child has been making is, quite simply, brilliant, but this weekend my intelligent opinion was fully confirmed. Child won first place in a city-wide juried art show for area high schools.

As always Child, you amaze me.

Happy birthday.

Images (more to come)


Isn't that the coolest frog?

Multiple Bloginality

I was thinking lately about the list of blogs I regularly read and I realized I have a small issue with multiple personality. IE:

I regularly click over from A Year Off directly to Want Not. Why? Well, I got to Want Not by reading Mir's other blog, Woulda Coulda Shoulda and to A Year Off by following Chris from Notes From The Trenches. So what if one is all about the fabulous, fabulous bargains that are to be had on the net while the other journals Chris's efforts to not purchase anything unnecessary during the year?

Then there are the three infertile blogs I read - not because I'm infertile but because of one of those linked from a link from a suggestion from a recommendation. The writing is good so I find myself following Tertia, Julia and Julie.

I regularly read French Laundry At Home (and then have to take a brisk walk during lunch just to work off the feeling of digital heaviness from all the cream and butter), David Lebovitz and Chubby Hubby and then head right over to see what is happening at A Lard Off My Mind without suffering so much as virtual whiplash from the change of pace.

I sent my father a link to a blog discussing research into the author's family (among other things my father is a certified professional genealogist) and he asked, in some bemusement, where in the heck I came across the blog. Well, you see someone sent me a link to a house blog and they had a link to another and that ended up at this place where...


I read some blogs that cannot be categorized (like Emily at Wheels On The Bus. Is she a Mommy blogger? a Memoir Blogger? I dunno, I just like to read) and some that are easily pigeonholed like Go Fug Yourself (where I can be amused by mockery of people I generally don't know exist!) or Pajiba (note to Mother and others easily offended! There are bad, bad words used on that site, and often very rude analogies).

Someone told me the other day that I can know what sort of person I am by looking at the list of blogs I read.

I guess I'm a bargain hunting, anti-consumerist, gourmet hedonistic, nutritionally conscientious, pop-culture obsessed voyeur.

Yup, about sums it up.

Love Hurts

I spent the weekend throwing jelly beans at the Children.

Well, not the whole weekend. Just an hour or so on Sunday afternoon.

It's how I justify giving them sugared snacks! Yes, I say to them, yes you may have tooth-rotting, nutritionally vacuous, improbably colored bits-o-sugar! You just have to be able to duck really fast as well.

Child 2 is boring. It sits close enough that I have to toss rather than throw and the jelly beans more often than not simply rolled down into its bowl. Also, Child 2 says thank you, each and every time, regardless of whether I was trying to land the jelly bean in its ear or not. That takes all the fun out of it.

Child 3 stoically ignores me but uses its mind-numbingly long arms to sweep the jelly beans into its jelly bean collection area. Child 3 would be a complete wash except the beans made a satisfying and amusing "tok" sound when they hit the top of its head.

Child 1 though, Child 1 makes it all worth while. For the first few beans it simply went wild eyed and waved frantically at the beans as they whizzed past its nose. Then it tried to go all calm and patient and pretended to read its book - a ploy that failed utterly because it kept twitching when I rattled the bean container. That became amusing in itself because I could make the noise and then do a sort of false-throwing motion and Child 1 would hurl its book down and assume a defensive ninja posture (what?? We don't have a dog to torment.) After a while, naturally, it got wise to this and stopped reacting. Which is when I nailed it good and proper.

It's all part of my parenting theory - the one that says you know you're going to scar your children so you better make sure a good time is had by all in the process.

Oh, and it's not a bad idea to get a blog post out of it too.

Natural History

Walking a long way to and from work gives me a lot of opportunity to observe the surrounding life forms. Not so much on the flora front - 'round these parts flora comes in two varieties: defeated ornamental (you know, the kind that has been beaten into submission until it will survive being planted in a super-store parking lot) or native (which means prickly, hostile, and only green in relation to the dusty-brown that surrounds it on all sides). Fauna however we get in infinite variety, and much time can be happily passed attempting to categorize it.

The game can be simplified as Panhandler, Professor, or Student? The recent boom in hands-free devices has made this a little more difficult as it's not always easy to tell if someone is talking to themselves or to the little electronic parasite in their ear, but the premise is simple enough. Using only clothing and accessories attempt to classify the following into the appropriate slot. I've started you off with some easy ones (answers at the bottom if you want to cheat) and then thrown a poser onto the end that I saw just yesterday and has me baffled.

A. Middle aged man, suit, cap, briefcase.

B. Older male, wild hair, frayed jeans, brown loafers with cracks in the toes.

C. Young woman, pink bicycle, flannel pajamas with penguins on.

D. Male, indeterminate age, green felt fez with yellow tassel, bright red guitar strung over back, leather coat.

ANS:

A. Panhandler. Specializes in varied religions: "Jesus loves you ma'am, he loves you, any spare change?" (heard last week); "something good is going to happen to you today sir, something good. Your karma is really good now, it's good." (heard this week)

B. Professor - humanities of some sort, not sure which branch. I know, that one was easy.

C. Trick question! It's either a pseudo-student or a proto-professor. It's a Teaching Assistant and should therefore be treated with great kindness poor little rabbit.

D. I honestly have no idea. The guitar could mean student (angst-ridden and hoping that being a sensitive musician will help him pick up girls) or pan-handler (of the "pay me for my endless repetition of the one song I can remember with the three chords I know how to play," or the "put enough change in my case and I'll stop singing" variety). He didn't have a case to collect money, but that could be what the fez was for. If he were wearing a bicycle clip around his leg I would have opted for professor but honestly this one has escaped me.

Child 2

*NOTE - these birthday posts are not linked to actual birthdays because we have this mad Birthday Blur for three weeks and I wanted to take the time to actually THINK about what I wanted to write. For once. Child 1's post will come in time too. *

Child 2 was born in a snow storm. It has always known how to make a dramatic entrance. Which is funny because Child 2 is the Shy Child, the Child who can think of seven different reasons other people wouldn't even WANT to talk to It before there's even time for a "hello." Child 2 is My Child - the one like me (sometimes).

It is our Germany Child, born in a little Medieval city called Fulda. Maybe the narrow streets and the yellow stone buildings seeped into its veins somehow because Child 2 does live a little in a fairy-tale past given the chance.

It is our Book Child, our Reading Child who gulps down a new book in an hour and then has to go back and read it again because, in the mad dash for the end (and because it's like me) it has skipped all the bits where it looked like things were going wrong.

It is our I Meant To Do That Child who can turn a slip into a glide and a fall into an entirely purposeful sit, staring triumphantly up at you and defying you to prove that there was any accident involved.

When it turned ten it reached back, took a firm grip on its childhood and stubbornly refused to let go. Adulthood was dangerous waters; it was going to stay in the safe and well known shallows. Maybe it was wise, maybe it knew best that there is nothing wrong in taking your time and coming to things when you're ready.

Because this has been a year of growth for Child 2. Not, sadly, in the way it wants - my darling Child, I'm afraid you will never be taller than Child 3 - but in the way it does small things for other people simply to make them happy, the way it stops, then stops again before getting angry, before letting its quick temper flash out of control (yes, that one was me as well), the way most of all that it has begun to learn to be comfortable, to be graceful, to be beautiful, within its skin.

Happy Birthday Child 2. I love you.

Scrambled Brains

I like structure. Yes, I do a creative job but it's a highly structured creative job and it's the structure, in my opinion, that makes everything else possible.

The trouble is when something shakes up the structure because that makes everything else wobble and, often, crash around my ears.

Take this week. This week is Testing Week. But it's only Testing Week for Lucky Child 2 - the entire rest of the school (well, yes except for other students of It's year, but that's not the point) is having three days of totally unearned vacation. (go on, ask me how Child 2 feels about this!) This means that yesterday all three Children woke up (eventually) and wandered off to school (except for Child 2 who claimed Unfair Flu and was allowed to stay home with a blanket, an i-pod and a pile of books). It means that this morning Child 2 was roused (sort of) and at least jump-started so in theory It would be ready for It's ride, but Children 1 and 3 were allowed to sleep in. That would be fine, that's just enough variation from the norm that I could, theoretically, cope.

But.

Children 1 and 3 are the JROTC Children and for some unknown reason the JROTC people have decided this is the perfect chance to have many! many! practices! (don't ask, I still haven't sorted out the nuances in the various things. I can only tell Armed from Unarmed because of the rather large chunks of wood and metal one group carries around) Child 1 has... one practice I think in the afternoon and possibly another in the morning but Child 3 definitely (maybe) has 2, one in the morning and one in the afternoon and not one of them is in the same darn place.

I discovered all of this about... two days ago. Now I do make an effort (sometimes) so I was trying to wrap myself around how I was going to go to work AND deliver Children to their various appointments and then I realized that I have: 1 meeting this afternoon, immutable as the tide which wipes out any delivery ability; 1 training session tomorrow morning which will doubtless go late thus meaning I could, if I bent space and time, possibly get one Child, late, to one of its practices but only one and; 2 meetings and a project on Thursday.

I shall don my tiara and sash at once for the Mother of the Year awards.

Dad Pasta

So we made Dad Pasta on Sunday. Actually, the Birthday Child made it really, having grasped the family philosophy that the best part of dinner is the Wielding of the Really Sharp Knives. We haven't had Dad Pasta in five years or so, not since California, not since before everything happened.

The Child did beautifully, chopping the garlic to a fine mince, producing bite-sized chunks of sun-dried tomato without spending inordinate amounts of time ensuring that each chunk is precisely the size of the previous one. I gave a few rudimentary instructions and was allowed to put the pasta in the boiling water.

At the end of it all the Children each dished up an enormous bowl and there was an extended silence. I admit to being nervous. This was Dad Pasta, after all - what if we got it wrong? What if our collective memory had somehow let us down?

You see, we have memories of Kirk that go beyond the stories. There are the CDs he burned, some of them simply labeled "KVA," or "Mellow Mix," one saying "Mountain Bike Mix." It's not the songs that matter, it's the particular selection and order that's like an imprint of his personality. His fishing gear is carefully saved because that brown case evokes hundreds of small moments: of Kirk's first salmon, of the prize King he caught, of the way we laughed on the Virginia lake when Child 1 tried to set the hook when It got a bite and ended up flinging the small sunfish twenty yards away and into a tree... aural memories, visual memories, and, now visceral memories of taste. If we got it right.

I was the only one concerned. It was fantastic.

Dad Pasta - Now with measurements!

4 tbsp olive oil
2 cloves garlic, finely minced (or, you know, if you have a garlic press you could do the wimpy version)
1 small jar sun-dried tomatoes in oil
1 C kalamata olives, quartered
2 C fresh spinach, stems removed, roughly chopped
1 16 oz package fettuccine
5 oz feta cheese

While the fettuccine is cooking: in a heavy pan lightly brown the garlic in the olive oil. Add tomatoes and stir until fragrant. Add olives and remove from heat.

Place spinach in serving bowl. Place hot, drained pasta over the spinach and allow to wilt. Stir in garlic, tomatoes and olives, toss to coat pasta with oil. Add feta cheese and serve.

We didn't add any salt or pepper because the olives and cheese are already so salty. The flavors are intense enough not to need any additional seasoning.

Random Friday Thought

Do you think there's some sort of resource out there, a compendium of some sort maybe that is available only to certain people? It would have, alphabetically or maybe by subject, thousands of brief, bright messages intended to uplift and inspire in a single sentence. Maybe there would be a rating system with little icons so you could quickly sort through and find those that:

A) included a pun or other play on words
B) paraphrases or otherwise bowdlerizes well known quotations
C) are overtly religious

I'm convinced it exists and is the source for: all "inspirational" signs outside of certain American churches; a large range of greeting cards, most of them pastel and sporting doe-eyed creatures or floral arrangements; the fortunes in the ginormous bag of fortune cookies donated to Child 2 by its friend.

Viz:

"God does not respond to e-mail, he responds to KNEE-mail"
"Don't turn over a new leaf, turn over a new LIFE"
"It is okay to have butterflies in your stomach, just get them flying in formation"
"Before you can do something you must first BE something"

There was one from a cookie though that I think missed its mark a little:

"Catch fire with a passion for something and the world will come to watch you burn."

Um.

Yes, maybe I'll stick with organizing those butterflies instead.

Suppah Time

The Birthday Children get to pick what they want for dinner on their birthday. It only seems fair really; that way the Anti-Mushroom Child doesn't end up with Fungus Amungus a la chantorelle or something. So last weekend it was steak and salad, with just one instant of trouble when The Friend clapped its hand to its mouth and blurted "oops! It's Lent!" This weekend it's going to be Dad Pasta.

We used to make a pretty big deal out of cooking dinner every night. There is something deeply satisfying in taking a mixed group of ingredients from raw form to finished product, and we loved every step. We wrangled (nicely) over who got to have the fun of Wielding The Knives. We asked for and received appreciation from each other as various stages were achieved ("oooh, look how nicely that scallop is caramelizing!" yes, it was fascinating being us!) and once the food was actually served it was assumed that voluble reaction would be made - preferably positive.

I was usually the chef since I worked from home and didn't have to wrestle with the various commutes Kirk had, but when we were living in California he had much more time in the evenings and he began experimenting with some recipes of his own. His tilapia was a favorite, for example, and he had a potato/pasta dish that was delicious. I left those to him, and unlike me he never bothered to write down his inspirations so this Sunday I'm going to be working off of memory.

Dad Pasta:

Fetuccini - enough to serve five (one or two of whom are Male and voracious)
fresh spinach - about... maybe 2 cups raw?
sun-dried tomatoes - in oil, to taste (what? I go by how it looks! Put 'em in until there are enough)
Kalamata olives - not so many as tomatoes but enough so you get one with each bite (there, was that more specific?)
feta cheese - a handful. Or so.
olive oil

Cook the pasta, toss with remaining ingredients. Serve with flair.

Bloom

Someone let these darn Children grow up and I want to know who.

There was the ROTC Military Ball on Friday, attended by the two JROTC Children. Then there was a Dining Out on Saturday, attended by the two female CAP Children.

It was one of the Children's birthday on Friday (we overdo the whole February birthday thing; mine and two Children's fall in that month) and after some discussion about earrings and boxes and scented lotions and things (it has decided it is a Girl and should maybe express that sometimes) I brought up the possibility of attending the Dining Out and maybe getting a nice dress as its birthday present. There was a little complaining about Lack Of Danceability and a smidgen of Someone Might Talk To Me but when weighed against the chance to have a formal(ish) dress of its very own it caved like the feminine creature it is.

Hence we faced the mall on Saturday. It was painful. There were many, many people and it's entirely likely I tipped over more than a few as I walked quickly and firmly to the one store I was willing to try. (Note: I hate shopping. I hate crowded malls. I had previously discovered that one particular store had a reasonable selection AND a decent price so I headed directly towards there, no passing Go, no $200. Anyone who was injured in this sort of bee-line approach totally deserved what they got because they were walking four abreast and sloooooooowly drifting along). Once at the store though we found a huge collection of quite nice dresses at huge sale - got lucky.

The non-birthday child (its turn comes next week) quickly got into the spirit of things and hauled off several things for itself but meanwhile The Child, the Don't Touch Me Elmo Child, the one who resists all efforts to cuddle or otherwise soften it willingly zipped itself into seven or eight dresses and then wandered into the hall for expert critiquing.

And you know that magic thing that happens with dresses? The one that happened last year? It happened again. The non-birthday Child chose a black and white number that twirled and switched and made its waist look about 10 inches around. And the Birthday Child? It found something swingy and elegant, simple but stunning and just a little sparkly.

And when they both were dressed and had brushed and tinted and generally gilded the lily I looked at them and realized:

They're OLD

and BEAUTIFUL

and I'd really like to know who authorized that because it sure wasn't me.

Excuse me, I know I stored Kirk's shotgun somewhere...

Military Ball

The ROTC Children are going to a ball.

The military does a lot of formal dinner/dance type things so the theory is that in high school the young cadets should be dragged into a large room (hopefully after a general clean-and-buff) and taught the rudiments of etiquette. I'm not sure how successful this is. I vaguely remember Child 1 talking a couple of years ago about pre-ball lectures on "this is a fork, this is a knife - no! Not THAT kind of knife!!" and how not to suck up your spaghetti until the end whips around and splatters your companions with Sauce Bolognaise. There does not seem to have been any such effort this year. I'm not sure if its because this cadre is considered to be slightly less knuckle-dragging than the other, or that the poor commander is simply beyond such minor concerns.

Child 1 is on The Committee which has meant fact finding missions to Target and an exciting discussion about whether or not female cadets were going to be required to wear their polyester blue class A skirts (1 vote) or could blossom out into sequins, tulle and teetery high heeled shoes (entire female cadet population, very loud and extremely shrill). It also means it must remain behind after the ball to clean up which sounds, to be honest a little Cinderella in reverse to me.

Does this place me in the role of Lt. F. Godmother? In anticipation I will try to locate a reliable source for glass combat boots. Any assistance would be appreciated.

Mus Musculus

We have a mouse!

Well, not we the family but we the place-where-I-work.

That is, it might be multiple mice I suppose but it does have a distinctive personality so I suspect A Mouse, singular. If so it should definitely go out for meece Olympics because this Mouse is an impressive sprinter. It was definitely seen taking a hard corner from the lounge into an office at which point the Mouse Eradication Professional was alerted. He came and informed us that sinks are bad (we have two) as is food (we have much - many, many people who like to do surreptitious snacking at their desks). Then he wandered around for a while with steel wool and caulk.

At which point the mouse somehow evaded detection and arrived at the other side of the building where it intelligently took refuge in one of the more tender-hearted colleagues's office. So tender-hearted is she in fact that she abandoned the entire office to the mouse and came out to spend useful minutes with us in the lobby where we were helping by talking about how it was A Mouse! In the building! And the hall! (we're good in crises like these: we really know how to best employ them).

To complicate things we have several splendid men from maintenance rooting around in the ceiling trying to discover why most of the floor above is being heated to a toasty 85 degrees. The mouse apparently took their hall-full of ladders as an opportunity to practice the cross-country/obstacle event because it sped back to the lobby, wove skillfully through the ladders, made a dash for the Boss's office, thought better of it and finally disappeared into another occupied room whose tenant simply noted there was now A Mouse in the room and phlegmatically went on working.

This has led to a bit of division among the work force.

There are the humanitarian types who are hand-wringing and fretting over the thought that the sweet little Mouse might be harmed (say, by having its sweet little neck snapped in a little old trap). Then there are the practical types who think it's A Mouse for heaven's sake and all us big girl's blouses should just man up and kill the darn thing already (stupid plague carrying rodent...).

Then there are the really intelligent types like me who figure if the Mouse stays around for a few more days we could establish a Committee for Rodent Understanding and Integration with a lot of off-site planning meetings, a few working lunches and a fact-finding trip or two.

I just might need to write up a proposal.

In the Zone

Last night.

Child 1: Wow, Mom! You got in three nags and you didn't even have to take a breath!

Right, I dominate the regionals, I think I'm ready for nationals now, don't you?

Politics

I didn't vote on Tuesday.

Not that I don't have an opinion. I have multiple opinions, and in places other than my blog (say, to my long-suffering children - and sometimes their innocent and bewildered friends) I express them fully, at length even, with historical anecdotes and little Venn diagrams and everything.

But I didn't vote.

I can't, see, because I'm a registered Independent. Kirk and I made that choice together about.... wow.... long time ago now because of a lot of complicated feelings about the electoral process, about our two party system, about party politics in general.

We chose it after a lot of thought and a lot of discussion and every four years I revisit all of it and ask myself if I still believe it enough to give up the chance to have a say in the primaries.

And I do. I still do.

I didn't vote on Tuesday because I couldn't. But as soon as I can?

You'd better believe I'll be there.

They Aren't For Sale [Today]

I have the best Children in the world.

No, honestly, they are, and even the most devoted mother of Prayshuss Little Twirly Princess or Darling Mister Mini Man will have to step away from the scrapbook glue long enough to hand me the award on this one.

You see, we have new furniture. It didn't take much really to get it in the end, just several months of minor budget scrimping (you know, reducing the kids down to two meals a day instead of three, backing off the imported pate on Thursdays and regrettably reducing the Norwegian Lawn Boy's hours by two) and a fairly miraculous clearance sale find. So Thursday the fine Fed Ex man cracked three jokes, called me Ma'am AND My Lady and dropped a ginormous box containing one square black ottoman off on my doorstep.

The next day he returned, cracked exactly the same three jokes (which made me feel a leeetle less special), called me Miss and gave me two more ginormous boxes which coyly hinted at their contents by being remarkably chair shaped.

The children were mildly interested and willing to express approval of my choices (Ha! Like they have any say in things....) but Children 1 and 3 didn't really perk up until I mentioned that we were going to be getting rid of the Bane Of My Life Couch - the one with the broken arm (thanks Child 3!) and the horrid stain (thanks unknown Child so all blame is shared out equally!) and the un-fitted drop cover that needed twitching after anyone so much as looked at it. No one will want this couch - it's that horrible. I don't think we could even hope to pass it off on some hapless college boy looking to outfit his first apartment with a mattress found on the side of the freeway and a set of vinyl covered folding chairs stolen from a local Moose Club. So there are two options - call for a large-item pick up which could take ages, or set the Children free on the thing and reduce it to a whimpering pile of shredded upholstery. Guess which one they want! Just guess! Child 3 cannot imagine why I refuse to let them at it until I have a reasonable way of disposing of the remains.

ANYWAY - the point was about my marvelous Children.

Since we now have TWO chairs I actually like AND an ottoman it meant that Saturday became redecorate day. Now, I solemnly pinky swear that this is absolute truth. On Saturday my Children:

1. Happily moved couches, chairs and tables around in what felt like an endless working of one of those slidy square picture puzzles I hated as a kid.

2. Collected and moved the contents of a table-cum-bookshelf, including a large collection of fascinating but very heavy National Geographics.

3. Dusted as each surface cleared - without prompting.

4. Swept and swiped at counters while I vacuumed.

5. Pounded nails and re-hung pictures.

6. Willingly came and stood with heads to one side or another to give opinions on art arrangement.

7. Stood around with me and listened while I mentioned again how much I liked the new furniture and how horrible it was before and how much better it is now and...

8. Accepted without argument that they MIGHT be allowed to sit... well... near the new stuff but There Shall Be No Food Nor Shall There Be Drink Nor Shall There Be Excessive Breathing.

9. Did all of this without a single word of complain or even a theatrical eye roll.

And... and this is the trump card people...

After all of that when I was sort of flollopped on the remaining old couch and admiring our hard work Child 2 quietly began rubbing my neck, Child 3 immediately began giving me a foot massage and Child 1 out of desperation for SOMETHING left in need of pampering brought out its own Christmas lotion and worked on my hands.

Yes, yes I think I shall allow them to live. At least this week.

Update

News!

The day of school cancellation we buffed Child 1's nose with The Rug - you know, because why stop with lucky knees if you can throw in a blessed nose as well. And know what? Child 1 won 2 games of bingo in German class. We're analyzing results now to see if they're outside statistical probability or if we can write immediately to The Old Church of Chain-Mail Blessings and let them know.

Also we're eying Child 3's anatomy trying to figure out what to bless next. Holy elbows perhaps?

In other news we had a conversation last night which ended up with Child 3 saying, "I have lured them in with my poo," in character as Hedley Lamarr from Blazing Saddles. We rolled around on the floor for a while, then Child 1 insisted on recording it for posterity on its digital camera. I believe that tells you nearly everything you should know about our family.

Lucky Knees

I've been blessed.

No, really blessed, by very enthusiastic people who have apparently recently discovered the joys of two-color printing. They sent this blessing in an envelope COVERED with IMPORTANT information HIGHLIGHTED and UNDERLINED for my entertainment.



They also lovingly referred to me as "resident" which is a sure way to the very cockles of my heart, and then they (still on the envelope) announced that I should be sure to PASS this BLESSING along after it had helped SOMEONE in MY FAMILY. A mass-mailed chain letter blessing - it doesn't get much better than this...

... Oh but it does. You see, inside was the LOAN from the [unnamed] very OLD CHURCH which was going to produce all of these blessings. Because I care, I actually have taken the trouble to scan it. However, I am not entirely sure about whether the blessings survive translation to digital media so just be aware.

Here's the loan (partial, sorry, it's too big for the scanner):




Yes.

It's a Jesus prayer mat. A paper one. It comes with instructions just in case you were confused (all of the following should be assumed as [sic]):

Look into Jesus' Eyes you will see they are closed. But as you continue to look you will see His eyes opening and looking back into your eyes.* Then go and be alone and kneel on this Rug of Faith or touch it to both knees. Then please check your needs on our letter to you. Please return this Prayer Rug. Do not keep it.

*This is quite true. Only you have to sort of focus on Jesus' Bridge of Nose rather than Jesus' Eyes. After a couple of seconds He starts giving you a rather creepy Mesmer stare. Well, unless you're Child 3 who was incapable of working the trick. Personally I think it's because Child 3's goldfish-length attention span simply wasn't up to the task.

Well, we're not about to pass up such an amazing opportunity. Child 1 was ruled out because of excess blanket at the moment; Child 3 had extensive bruising/scraping on its knees thanks to a weekend obstacle course so was considered invalid and unavailable for Prayer Rug Blessing. Child 2 however was ambushed and forcibly blessed. We then looked at the x-in-the-box categories of needs and decided that definitely the one that had a dollar sign and a nice long blank line looked good to us. We figure we'll fill in $1,000,000,000 - it's a nice round number and we can always negotiate down if necessary.

Now, you might have some minor skepticism about the power of this fine object, but you should know that last night was the Night of Kneeish Blessing, and this morning?

School was cancelled due to inclement weather.

Hey, according to the envelope I'm supposed to pass this Paper Rug of Blesserifficness along. Please, form an orderly queue.

Parenting 101 - The Eye Roll

There is so much guilt in parenting I think it's nice now and then to look back on the actual successes.

When Child 1 was about 9 we began to teach It to roll Its eyes. It was my idea actually (I do have the odd intelligent one), partly inspired by some of Child's friends who were precociously irritating when it came to adults (well, sometimes).

Whenever a moment came when we might anticipate a bit of attitude in a Child we'd simply leap in with some thoughtful advice. "Honey, you're not getting the full sweep on your eyes there. Try really looking hard over to your left, and then WAAAAAY up. That's it!" or "No, sweetie, you need to sigh WITH the eye roll. And if you can start the sigh with that little sort of grunt that's even better." As they got more proficient with it we moved on: "No, it's 'MohAAAAAWuhm,' with a really firm emphasis on the AW." and "Right, now a bit of a head flick and say, 'you're RUining my LIFE!'"

We even got them to perform the eye roll for friends and family, alternating now and then with the other trained responses such as, "no blood, no foul," or, "pain is weakness leaving the body" both of which were delivered in a bored monotone while we looked on with fond pride.

To this day when I have the chance to really cause angst to the Children - you know, by asking them to put away the dishes in the dishwasher or return the milk to the refrigerator - I can increase my own enjoyment of the situation by insisting, "Wait, wait, what do you say?" and get in return a beautifully exaggerated and histrionic, "you're RUining my LIFE-UH!"

Sarcasm. A terribly underused parenting tool.

Love in a Phlegm Filled Climate

Child has a cold. I nearly typed the number but I do make an effort to disguise, however badly, the real-world identities of the Children and I'm afraid it might give things away if I go on to tell the entire internet that Child [NUMBER] has man-flu.

To be fair, It is congested and has an impressive, barking cough that kept Its sibling hurling Halls cough drops at It all morning yesterday (something I learned when I came home to find the living-room floor covered in paper wrappers). However.

It droops, It oozes around the house - often on the floor because oh. the cold. It just makes. It. so. tired. It lies on the couch and then rolls pathetically down to the carpet since couch lying is so very, very exhausting. Then It whimpers a little about the fact that It has a headache - Oh! a headache! - that means if Its sibling raises a voice even a leetle the pain! Oh! the pain! Mind you, video games don't have any negative effect at all, it's just the piercing tones of Its loved ones.

When I ask if It has taken any of the cold medicine that I made a special trip to purchase It informs me, in a low, almost inaudible murmur, that no... It hasn't because... it's just so... difficult... to heat up... water in... the.... microwave. Then it perks up remarkably when I mention that honey can be added to said medicine and hops happily out to squeeze half a bear's worth into the mug.

This morning It puddled itself sadly in the hall, scrunched as well as It could (given its long and ungainly limbs) into a small, blanket covered ball. I asked with reasonable kindness if It was feeling any better and, when It answered with Its last croak that no, not really, It wasn't, I kindly wrote It a note asking that It be released from volley ball and push ups. I didn't even harass it for blocking access to the bathroom because I'm a loving mother and even man-flu deserves some sympathy.

It better not give it to me though.

It's Testiferous!

No one's leaving MY kids behind doggone it. Oh no. Thank goodness for the Mandatory Testing program that ensures my little darlings are neatly sliced, diced and shoved into the appropriate pigeon hole because without that I might never, ever know just how many percentile points are above or below them.

Actually I think in my city these darn tests are a means of reminding us that we are eternally grateful for certain States To Be Left Unnamed which keep us from bouncing off the absolute bottom of all of those national results (except for things like teen pregnancy and drop-out rates - we rock those! Play to your strengths, that's what I say).

Our middle school failed mandatory tests so many times it was into the even more fun Mandatory Re-organization phase. According to the new principal things were so bad they were supposedly going to have to fire the entire faculty and staff. Yeah. I thought that made a heck of a lot of sense as well: eviscerate the school and then turn around and say, "NOW you're going to pass those tests, aren't you!" Right. To avoid that the idiot school reworked itself as a "Arts Magnet School." Except... they didn't train any of the teachers to be arts teachers, they didn't hire anyone new, and the one Golden Apple teacher they did have (who was a music teacher naturally) had to quit because their new schedule made it impossible for him to teach at the other two schools on his contract. Bravo guys, bravo.

So I might be just a little bit down on the whole mandatory testing thing, particularly when this one is just for the sophomores (and my poor Child who wasn't in the area for sophomore year and thus gets tagged for this year) and the other three years get another day off school. I mean, nothing really says commitment to academic achievement like state mandated time off, now does it?

It doesn't help that the other two naturally are not being tested and so might, just might, have been a little smug about sleeping-inness and other glories that happen when school is out. Gits.

The poor Testing Child dutifully roused itself (its own self! This is a new and impressive thing brought about by my loving and detailed threats), dressed, secured its pencils and wandered mournfully out to the bus stop.

Which is why it was so particularly annoying to get a phone call from said Child letting me know that it had waited in the cold for half an hour before giving up and calling the school to find out that the bus had broken down. So Mandatory Test day now becomes Mandatory Make Up Test Days later this week. Child assures me that it will not be missing any classes in order to do this but for some reason I'm having a hard time believing it.

I wonder why.

Conversation Mine Field

It happened again.

I've written about it before, the strange effect that talking about Kirk has on people who know the story, but it happened again just yesterday and I still find it odd.

A friend was talking about a job her husband was offered with a company that did government work, a job that would have entailed (eventually) a security clearance so I mentioned that for much of our marriage Kirk had a top secret clearance - in Virginia he had a few compartmentalized clearances as well I think - and as soon as his name was spoken she reacted. Her face took on an immediate sobriety, she stiffened a little and, inevitably, she put her head to one side and looked firmly in my eyes. And the conversation came to a screeching halt because, apparently, now We Were Talking About Kirk.

But we weren't, we were talking about her husband, about her life, and I was simply bringing up my own experience.

What's really funny is that she often says things that really do flick on the nerve and yet she remains blissfully unaware. "Everything happens for a reason," she says, "I really believe that." Or "Hey! Haven't seen you in a few days - I know, I know you thought I'd gone missing or something..." And because she's well-meaning and kind, because it would hurt her to think she had inadvertently hurt me, I don't say anything I just let it go.

And I know now that I will think before talking about Kirk with her just as I do with the other friends who wince when his name comes up. Funny, isn't it? I protect them from their perception of my distress.

Movie

We're not big television watchers. We don't have cable and I've never remembered to see if we get more than the standard five channels (doesn't WB or whatever they are have a broadcast channel these days? Or did I dream that along with the talking moose in my garden...). We do watch Mystery on PBS and often Nature, but that's assuming I remember in time to turn it on, or PBS isn't doing one of their irritating and interminable fundraisers where they take off everything I'm remotely interested it and replace it with Change Your Life Through Finance, Diet and Yoga!! or Lord of the Dance Meets LOLkatz! I'd like to say it's because of solidarity with the writer's strike, or a strong protest against "reality" shows or something but honestly it's because I fell out of the habit at some point.

Movies, however, we do - not in the theater mind, too expensive, too irritating (WHY do people use cell phones in theaters?), too much fuss and bother. I wait until something comes out on DVD, and even then I often wait until it's in the super-knocked-down-unbelievably-cheap section at Target before I'll buy it. But yesterday I made an exception and bought a sight-unseen, even trailer-unseen movie simply on the recommendation of a movie review site I trust (sorry, not linking, too many of you would be unhappy at the very, very naughty words they use. For anyone who doesn't have delicate sensibilities and desperately must know, send me an email but you probably already read it yourself) and, homework being done and Child 1 being unhappily confined to the couch with a nasty cold virus we sat down to watch it.

It was absolutely fantastic - best movie I've seen in ages.

Disclaimer: it is rated PG-13. There is some implied animal sacrifice and there are some moments of (to quote the rating board) "risque humor." But it was funny, charming and absolutely delightful.

Stardust - highly recommend.

Night Off

Last night Child 2 was dragged to the CAP meeting with its siblings. The deed was accomplished like this:

Child 2: 1? Can I read this book that is yours that you are currently reading?

Child 1: No!

Child 2: What about now while you're eating?

Child 1: No! I read while I eat.

Child 2: What about while you're at CAP??

Child 1: ... no. But! If you'll come to CAP with me you can!

Child 2: *thinks* ...okay.

Child 3: *being forced to call their CAP ride to see if there's space in the car* Wait, 2 are you going because you want to, and you're thinking about joining or just so you can read that book?

Child 2: *with great sincerity* Oh! Because I'm thinking about joining! *Child 3 wanders off to make its phone call* Hey 1, can I start reading that book now?

So all three were bundled into a car and whisked away leaving me with an unexpected evening alone. The luxury! The opportunity for decadence! The...

... so naturally I cleaned the kitchen, vacuumed the living room, tidied up my bedside table and went to sleep early.

I'm a maniac.

Safety Lecture

Child 1 received a phone call the other night from a member of the Civil Air Patrol. He would, he announced, be out of town for a month and so would like Child to take on his CAP Safety Lecture for the month.

Now, Child does not suffer from excessive shyness. Nor does It demonstrate much in the way of social ineptitude or self consciousness. In fact, and this still stuns me, It once volunteered as a brand-new freshman to throw a basketball somewhere in the vicinity of a basket in front of the entire student body [note: even more amazing, it made the basket]. Child 1 is, I think it's safe to say, its father's child in this way. Kirk was gregarious, charming, funny, and endlessly delighted to speak in public [eta: he was also, of the two of us, the only one remotely talented at basketball]. Therefore Child 1 immediately snapped up this marvelous chance.

That's where things get fun though, because we jumped at once at the thought that this was a Safety Lecture and we have been (as mentioned earlier) slowly working our way through old MacGuyver episodes! Who, I ask, is better qualified than we to ghost write this lecture?

So!

First we all decided that obviously a lecture is boring and a multiple-guess, audience participation, scenario based learning opportunity is FAR better. Second we also decided we would plagiarize shamelessly from the television show. We chose an early episode because A. it had a plane crash in it and this is the Civil Air Patrol darn it and B. it had a rattlesnake in it and that's just cool.

We're still working on the full glory of the whole thing, but I'll give you a sneak-preview with two of the questions as written by Child 1 (with a certain amount of well-intentioned family interference) including the possible answers. Premise: one is in a small plane (crew of 4) which has unfortunately crashed due to pilot error (the pilot made the error of eating a large and fatsome fast food meal and expired with a heart attack).

Question: The first thing you do after the crash is:

A. Bury the pilot
B. Pat him down for small change and gum
C. Assess the condition of the rest of the crew
D. All of the above

Question: You wake in the night with the unfortunate knowledge that a rather large rattlesnake is cosying up in your nether-regions. Do you:

A. Shriek like a girl and whack in the general vicinity of the snake with your handy hatchet?
B. Use your ninja skills to reach down and remove the snake with one swift motion?
C. Have a friend use an alternate heat source to lure the snake away at which point you carefully grasp it behind the head and take it away to do something secret that will probably offend any nearby animal rights activists?

I don't know how the lecture will go, but we're enjoying ourselves tremendously.

UPDATE: The lecture takes place next week! I'm thinking of suggesting a question regarding the ethical implications of cannibalism simply so we can make gingerbread men from my favorite recipe.

Why I Have Children

I have a topic!

I tried to do the lucky frog post yesterday, I really did, but I forgot to steal nick acquire lovingly borrow Child 1's digital camera so I could take a picture of said lucky frog which would make the post basically: I have a frog. It's very lovely. So we call it our lucky frog.

Desperate, I actually considered posting about toilet paper - seriously, I was mentally composing all about whether free end over or free end under really mattered and somewhere deep down there was this terrible sadness that I was already reduced to a toilet paper post (not that toilet paper style is not a deeply meaningful topic mind, just it should be saved for a real emergency, don't you think?)

However! Last night Child 2 came to the rescue and so I give you - the genuine transcript of our family discussion. Added benefit - you may all now be deeply grateful you don't live in our house.

Child 2 (doing dishes): There aren't enough songs about kitchen things.

Me: Such as?

Child 2: Like, "The Soft Side of the Sponge"

Me: Sounds like a hit for Tinkerbell and the Sacreligious Cats* *singing* ooooooh, baby, you sooth me like the soooooft side of the spoooooonge*

Child 2: *Rifs a spectacular and surprisingly musical interlude*

Several minutes pass, conversation moves on. I take a swipe at Child 2's nose.

Me: Sorry, it's just your nose was shiny so I was un-shinying it for you. Or I could buff up your forehead instead!

I lovingly polish Child 2's forehead with my very-nearly-clean sweatshirt cuff.

Child 2, looking me soulfully in the eyes: *sings* Santa Baby, won't you bring me my potato masher toniiiiiiight?

Child 2 claims the full lyrics are available for the interested customer.

*This splendid rock band name was, as described in an earlier comment, dreamt of by Child 1 and has joined our family lore along with Sparkle Princess Fairy Head as the best ever name for just about anything (has been suggested but inexplicably rejected for a stuffed shark and a soccer team. Some people have no vision).

Blocked

Sort of umphey (word. true) about writing the last few days. I've half-heartedly started and stalled on several posts only to have Blogger dutifully save them as drafts for me and then act all hurt and appalled when I want to delete them. Yes, Blogger, I really and truly do wish to delete those three posts that all start, "so. Yes, ummmmm." and I'm not even feeling guilty about it.

Posts started but not finished:

Sending the Children back to school (sob! Whine! Complain!)

The very frumpy transvestite I sometimes see on the way to work (if you're going to cross dress, why do it with black socks and Birkenstock sandals? Why??)

De-holidaying the house (whoo yeah that was an exciting post. I had some sort of mild stomach bug and the whole thing was me lying around and feebly asking the Children to do various tedious tasks - which they did, happily and nicely. S'okay, I gave 'em sugar).

So even worse I have now written a post about not posting. And, as I have no shame and also nothin' better up my sleeve, I'm even going to hit "publish post." I haven't even proof-read, that's how bad it is this Monday.

Tomorrow if you're lucky I might tell you about my lucky frog. Yup, just keep on bating that breath.

People Watching

There is a tiny, frail old man I pass nearly every day on my way back to my car. He used to walk the few blocks from his apartment building to the gas station on the corner to buy a paper but this year he has just been coming out to the pavement and slowly shuffling back and forth in front of the building.

He is a scant few inches over five feet tall and has the rheumy blue eyes of the very old. He wears beautifully pressed trousers and an immaculate shirt; now in the winter there is a soft ascot showing at the neck of his fawn coat.

A few months ago as I passed him by I began to smile and say hello and now he returns the greeting in a surprisingly deep voice, pausing in his slow walk and nodding at me but flickering his eyes quickly away from my face.

It was cold on Wednesday and he wasn't out at his usual time and I wondered briefly as I always do when he isn't there whether he was ill. Yesterday he was back, determinedly inching along the pavement, stopping every few feet to muster his energy before starting off again.